Each glance in the mirror shows us we’re getting older. We feel it in our bones, in our energy level, and as we witness our own parents aging and, in many cases, losing their vitality. This stage of life can be challenging, that’s for sure. There are many difficult conversations to have around healthcare, finances, and end-of-life planning. It is all too easy for fear, grief, and even resentment to creep into the space between family members. But there’s another way to approach this delicate stage – one that allows this unique time in life to be shared with reverence, gratitude, and grace between adult children and their aging parents. The tips below will help you plan a path forward with loving intention, courage, and clarity as the time to make critical decisions nears.
Embrace Blessings, Find Peace.
The challenges inherent in interacting with our aging parents can be balanced with unexpected blessings if we focus on finding peace. It’s hard work to rise to this challenge, but well worth the effort. You have the opportunity to discover one another anew by understanding the life choices your parents made through the lens of your own adult life. This change in perspective also invites your aging parent into a different way of seeing your choices and relating to you – one that comes from a new shared perspective. If needed, seek out an eldercare mediator, professional counselor, or support group that specializes in strengthening the bond between adult children and older parents.
Who Are You, Now?
If your family is blessed with longstanding strong ties, open communication, and support for one another, then now is a good time to deepen that bond. Maintain focus on building mutual understanding by keeping up with each other’s lives through regular calls, texts, and letters that reveal the nuances of who you are and what is happening in your life. When interacting, ask meaningful questions that allow for open dialogue rather than short answers. Inquire about the kind of emotional support you need from each other, not just physical or logistical support. For example, “What concerns weigh on your mind or heart these days, Mom?” Also, discuss current events and everyday experiences, such as each other’s work, hobbies, and social relationships. If you sense gaps in your parents’ lives that affect their well-being, such as loneliness, raise that topic with them.
Find Value in the Little Things.
For many adult children, it’s hard to see past the shortcomings and mistakes we perceived our parents made while we were growing up under their roof. Looking at their choices, or even asking them about those choices with the intention of understanding and appreciating the challenges they faced at the time, can go a long way toward repairing frayed family ties. In doing so, you can find value in the little things and the sacrifices that influenced their choices, much of which was lost on us during our youth. Gaining appreciation for their experiences at the time helps create space for forgiveness, healing old wounds, and resolving differences. A counselor or support group can be a real asset in helping aging parents and adult children move into alliance with one another.
Healthy Boundaries, Stronger Family Connections.
You may be in a situation where you want a peaceful and amicable relationship with your loved ones, but old hurts, rivalries with siblings, and other family drama keep popping up. In these circumstances, a counselor can be essential in helping family members set healthy boundaries and focus on maintaining open dialogue while steering clear of hurtful topics and drama. Sometimes we won’t be able to reach a resolution, but with acceptance of what we can’t change, we can move forward well enough to be present without resentment or regret.
Life is fragile; we sense this more as we get older. Helping our parents age with courage and dignity through open dialogue, mending strained family relationships, forgiveness, and showing grace to ourselves and our parents can be difficult.
Planning a path forward for our aging parents before memory loss or other illness makes them unable to participate in the process is an act of compassion for all involved. It is one that will help us bear the sorrow of their passing without resentment or regret. Take the time now to strengthen your relationship with an aging parent or adult child so that when the time comes to say goodbye, you are not just prepared – you both can move forward in peace, knowing that you gave it your best.
Support for Planning a Path Forward with Everbrook Senior Living
All of us at Everbrook Senior Living have walked the path of planning for our aging parents – many of us needed to mend fences along the way. We understand the challenges and rewards of this process. It is at the heart of the work we do for the families we serve. It is why we established the Everbrook communities for active older adults and assisted living. Our compassionate, professional staff can help facilitate honest conversations between family members faced with making decisions about care for aging parents. Our first and foremost concern is that everyone involved has a voice in the process and finds the best fit for their loved one’s needs, including social-emotional, spiritual, medical, and financial needs. Reach out to one of our Care Counselors to learn more about how we can assist with conversations and decision-making between aging parents and adult children.
Further Reading
Johns Hopkins Medicine: “Tough (But Important) Conversations with Aging Parents”
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/tough-but-important-conversations
NPR: “8 Essential Conversations to Have with Your Aging Parent”
https://www.npr.org/2023/09/25/1199885811/how-to-talk-to-your-parents-about-their-money
Family Caregiver Alliance Webinar: “Families with Aging Parents: Difficult Conversations Just Got Easier,” presented by Nicole Lance, JD.
https://www.caregiver.org/resource/families-with-aging-parents-difficult-conversations-just-got-easier/
AARP: “5 Tips for Difficult Family Caregiving Conversations”
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/difficult-caregiving-conversations/