Displaying items by tag: difficult decisions

​Navigating important healthcare, financial, and end-of-life planning with an aging family member can be a difficult and heartbreaking process. Even as you’re trying to safeguard your loved one’s dignity, privacy, and independence, the emotional weight of the situation can sometimes lead to contentious interaction between an elderly parent and their adult children. Should you recognize the bond between family members becoming strained—and better still, to prevent even getting to that point—consider working with an eldercare mediator to guide your family through decision making with an aging family member.

What is an eldercare mediator?

An eldercare mediator is a trained professional who acts as a confidential resource and impartial facilitator for families as they navigate aging-related healthcare, lifestyle, and financial decisions. Unlike a judge or arbitrator, eldercare mediators do not make decisions for you or your loved one; instead, they family members navigate options and reach agreement on the best path forward for their loved one’s care. Eldercare mediators also focus on preserving the bond between family members. 

What roles does an eldercare mediator have when working with families?

• Mediators Act as Neutral Party: They do not take sides or advocate for one specific family member.
• Mediators Build a Communication Bridge: They help lower the emotional "temperature" so everyone can be heard.
• Mediators Focus on Problem Solving: They assist families in finding practical, mutually agreeable solutions.
• Mediators Empower Family Members: They often ensure the senior's own voice and wishes are central to the discussion. 

What are the benefits of using an eldercare mediator?

• Privacy:  Mediation sessions are confidential, unlike public court proceedings.
• Cost-Effective: Mediation is often much less expensive than hiring separate attorneys for a legal battle.
• Efficiency: Issues brought to mediation can often be resolved in a few weekly sessions rather than months in legal proceedings.
• Relationship Preservation: Mediators focus on collaboration, which helps keep the family intact. 

What types of decisions can an eldercare mediator assist with?

Families often turn to a mediator when they are at an impasse regarding: 

• Living Situations: Mediators identify the benefits and drawbacks pertaining to whether or not (and if it is feasible for) an aging family member should move to assisted living or stay at home.
• Caregiver Roles and Obligations: Mediators allocate daily care duties among adult siblings in consideration of all relevant factors.
• Financial Decisions: Mediators manage the elder's assets, resources for paying for care, and can address inheritance disputes.
• Safety Concerns: Mediators examine the variable impacting an elder’s ability to safely live independently including sensitive topics such as living alone, driving, and self-care.
• Legal & Medical Options: Mediators help determine the individuals who can best serve as a medical proxy or financial power of attorney. 

What type of training do eldercare mediators have?

Many eldercare mediators have backgrounds law (some may have been or are attorneys), social workers, or geriatric care managers who have taken specialized conflict resolution training. 

How do I find an eldercare mediator?

A good place to start is the Academy of Professional Family Mediators and the National Care Planning Council.

Everbrook Senior Living: Supporting Families with Aging-Related Care Options

At the heart of the work we do for the families we serve is compassionate understanding for the challenges inherent in choosing aging-related care for a loved one. The Everbrook communities are intentionally designed to address the needs of older adults from the active Golden Years through assisted living and memory care. Our exceptional staff can help facilitate honest conversations between family members faced with making decisions about care for aging parents. Our first and utmost concern is that all involved have a voice in finding the best fit for their loved one’s social-emotional, spiritual, medical, and financial needs.

Contact us to learn more about how we can assist with the conversation and decision making between aging parents and adult children. 

Additional Resources:

Eldercare Mediation

AARP’s Guide to Choosing an Eldercare Mediator

Legal Guidance for Eldercare Mediation Services and Resolving Family Conflicts

Each glance in the mirror shows us that we are getting older. We can feel it in our bones, in our energy levels, and in witnessing of our own parents aging and, in many cases, losing their vitality. This stage of life can be challenging, that’s for sure. There are many difficult conversations to have around healthcare, finances, and end-of-life planning.

It is all too easy for fear, grief, and even resentment to creep into the space between family members. But there’s another way to approach this delicate stage—one that allows this unique time in life to be shared with reverence, gratitude, and grace between adult children and their aging parents.

The tips below will help you plan a path forward with loving intention, courage, and clarity as the time to make critical decisions nears.

Embrace Blessings, Find Peace. The challenges inherent with interacting with our aging parents can be balanced with unexpected blessings if we focus on finding peace. It’s hard work to rise to this challenge, but well worth the effort. You have the opportunity to discover one another anew by taking the perspective of understanding the life choices your parents made through the lens of your own adult life. This change in stance also invites your aging parent into a different way of seeing your choices and relating with you—one that comes from a new shared perspective. If needed, seek out an eldercare mediator, professional counselor, or support group that specializes in strengthening the bond between adult children and older parents.

Who are You, Now? If your family is blessed with longstanding strong ties, open communication and support for one another, then now is a good time to deepen that bond. Maintain focus on building mutual understanding by keeping updated on each other’s lives through regular calls, texts, and letters that show the nuances of who you are and what is happening in your life. When interacting, ask deep questions that allow for open dialogue rather than short answers. Inquire about the kind of emotional support you need from each other, not just physical or logistical support. (ex: What concerns weigh on your mind or heart these days, Mom?). Also, discuss current events in the world and in daily life such as each other’s work, hobbies, and social relationships. If you sense gaps in your parents’ life that affect their wellbeing (e.g. loneliness), then raise that topic with them.

Find Value in the Little Things. For many of adult children, it’s hard to see past the shortcomings and missteps (or mistakes) we perceived our parents made with us while growing up under their roof. Again, looking at their choices or even asking them about those choices with the intention to understand and appreciate the challenges they faced at the time can go a long way to repairing frayed family ties. In doing so, you can find value in the little things and the sacrifices that impacted their choices, much of which is lost on us during our youth. Gaining appreciation for their experience at the time, helps create space for forgiveness, for healing old wounds and resolving differences. Again, a counselor or support group can be a real asset in helping aging parents and adult children move into alliance with one another.

Healthy Boundaries, Stronger Family Connections. You may be in a situation where you want a peaceful and amicable relationship with your loved ones, but old hurt, rivalries with siblings, and other family drama keeps popping up. In these circumstances, a counselor is essential to help all family members set healthy boundaries and focus on how to maintain open dialogue, steering clear of hurtful topics and drama. Sometimes we won’t be able to come to resolution, but with acceptance of what we can’t change, we can move forward well-enough to be present without resentment or regret. 

Life is fragile; we sense this the older we get. Helping our parents age with courage and dignity through open dialogue, mending strained family relations, forgiving and showing grace to ourselves and our parents can be difficult to do. Planning the path forward for our aging parents before memory loss or other illness makes them unable to participate in the process is an act of compassion for all involved. One that will help us bear the sorrow or their passing without resentment or regret. Take the time, now to strengthen your relationship with an aging parent or adult child so that when the time does come to day good-bye you are not just prepared, you both can move on in peace knowing that you gave it your best.

Support for Planning a Path Forward with Everbrook Senior Living

All of us at Everbrook Senior Living have walked the path of planning a path forward for our aging parents—many of us needed to mend fences along the way. We understand the challenge and the reward in this process. It is at the heart of the work we do for the families we serve. It is why we established the Everbrook communities for active older adults and assisted living. Our compassionate, professional staff can help facilitate honest conversations between family members faced with making decisions about care for aging parents. Our first and utmost concern is that everyone involved has a voice in the process and finds the best fit for their loved one’s needs, including social-emotional, spiritual, medical, and financial. Contact us to learn more about how we can assist with the conversation and decision making between aging parents and adult children. 

Further Reading

HopkinsMedicine.org: “Tough (But Important) Conversations [with Aging Parents]”

NPR.org: “8 Essential Conversations to Have with Your Aging Parent”

Family Caregiver Alliance Webinar: “Families with Aging Parents: Difficult Conversations Just Got Easier”, presented by Nicole Lance, JD.

AARP.org: “5 Tips for Difficult Family Caregiving Conversations”